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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27627425">how do you learn what a feeling means?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Magnus_Rushesin/pseuds/Magnus'>Magnus (Magnus_Rushesin)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Transformers (IDW Generation One), Transformers - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>M/M, i think it takes time and healing and a lot of very :| days before they even get to this point lol, im tired of seeing shockwave get magically fixed, nonbinary characters - Freeform, post-dark cybertron except shocky is alive</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-08 20:00:34</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,058</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27627425</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Magnus_Rushesin/pseuds/Magnus</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>or, a moment of peace.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Optimus Prime/Shockwave</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>how do you learn what a feeling means?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>"what pronouns does Shockwave use?" yes.<br/>ok fr tho i use he/they/it for him interchangably! a little a gender crisis in the robots never hurt anybody.</p><p>also consider this a submission for shockop week~</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Most days, Shockwave feels numb. <br/>It's nothing. No, it's not nothing. Not like it used to be. Before felt... empty. Now it felt like too much, all at once, everything folding into and scrambling over each other until it circled back around and became nothing, a hundred and one signals blurring together into an incomprehensible static. </p><p>They don't go out much. He doesn't go out much. It(?) doesn't go out much. House arrest. They aren't allowed to go any further outside than the balcony. Shockwave can't imagine anyone would be particularly happy to see them anyways. After Dark Cybertron, and even before that, with everything that had happened during the war... No. Shockwave doesn't go out. </p><p>They were lucky. The only reason they were rotting in an apartment as opposed to a jail cell was because it was lucky, and because of him. Because of Prime. Optimus. Orion. Whoever he was to it. He had defended Shockwave, asked for sympathy for his situation, and somehow he had convinced whoever the hell was in charge of Cybertron these days that Shockwave was unwell, and that the best thing for it, and for the rest of the planet, would be for Optimus to keep watch over him while he healed.</p><p>And watch he did. At first, he didn't seem to understand it. Shockwave had had it's memories returned, it's emotions "restored", and yet it was still not the bot Optimus had once known, and Shockwave could see the desperation that was inside of him sometimes. When he would try to make a joke and Shockwave didn't laugh, when he referenced an old moment that Shockwave couldn't quite remember, when he offered to get them a new head and a fresh coat of paint and they refused. It was strange, to see an old friend and be met with a stranger. But Shockwave couldn't help it. It just felt numb.</p><p>There were a lot of days where Shockwave didn't do anything. Some days where it stayed in bed for hours, some days where it would read obsessively about some new concept that had caught their eye, some days where everything was too much and they didn't speak or eat or even so much as look at Optimus. Some days were migrane days, some days their hand ached so bad they couldn't move their fingers, some days they wanted to scream and cry and break things. But most days it just felt numb. And Optimus had tolerated it all. </p><p>He never berated it, never was cruel or harsh or forced it to do something it didn't want to. He helped them. He did. He set it up regular appointments with a doctor, some little therapist who's name Shockwave could never remember. He brought it new books to read, he spoke with them about the events of his day, about politics and news and new science. He asked for their imput on difficult questions. They ate together and spent time together and on the rare occassion they fell asleep together, Prime putting on some earth movie and drifting off after a long day, Shockwave eventually dozing off next to him. And things got better. And sometimes they got worse. But most of the time, it just felt numb.</p><p>Today, Shockwave stood on the balcony of the apartment. The apartment was not a bad cage. Spacious and comforting. Sleek but humble, well-maintained. Perfectly suited for Prime. </p><p>On one side of the balcony was a small pot. In it were organic flowers, a souvineer from Earth. They were Optimus', of course, but Shockwave had found quite a fondness for them. The small, delicate petals, the vibrant colours, all so easily damaged, so frivolous and fleeting, their lifespan hardly more than a brief flicker against the scope of the universe, a single point of light in a universe full of stars. Incredibly ineffiecient, imperfect, impermanent life. And yet, Shockwave liked them anyways.</p><p>He took in a deep breath, closing its eye, focusing on the sounds of morning in the city below, the feeling of the slight wind on their plating, the warmth of the sun above. They let the static fall back until something rose to the top, a feeling of... calm. Just peace.</p><p>They opened their eye again, slowly, at the sound of the balcony door sliding open behind them. Optimus came out, holding a mug of coffee, smiling softly and nodding in acknowledgement.</p><p>"Meditation?" He asked, leaning against the balcony, taking a sip from the mug. (He didn't have his face plate on. Shockwave idly remembered how nervous he had once been without it, a long, long time ago. They didn't think they could imagine him nervous now. He seemed almost unshakeable).</p><p><br/>"Something like that." Shockwave responded. </p><p><br/>"Carry on," he said. "I did not mean to disturb you."</p><p><br/>"It's no disturbance," it replied. "Your company is appreciated."</p><p><br/>"Ah. You haven't grown tired of me yet?" Optimus asked. </p><p><br/>"No. Never," Shockwave responded without thinking about it, only registering after he'd spoken that Optimus had been teasing. </p><p><br/>"I'm glad for that, old friend," Optimus smiled, a rare and rich thing. Shockwave felt a new feeling rise from the static. It was warm and peaceful and turbulent and soft and terrifying all at once.</p><p>How do you learn what a feeling means? Are you born knowing? Do you wake up one day with the sudden realization? Does someone hand you a list and show you how to label, to organize, to catagorize each one?</p><p>If Shockwave had known what these feelings meant once, then they'd certainly forgotten it. But whatever it was, it made the silence that fell between them bittersweet. Optimus leaned against his elbows on the balcony, looking out over the city. Part of Shockwave wondered what he was thinking. </p><p>Whatever Shockwave was feeling, it drove him to reach out and rest it's hand against Optimus' arm. He looked over at it for a moment, a soft, sad smile on his face. </p><p>They didn't speak anymore, letting the morning pass the two of them by as they stood, calm, quiet. Somehow, slowly, Optimus' hand had become entwined with theirs, and a special sort of warmth seemed to cover their body, as if Optimus was their own personal sun. </p><p>Shockwave closed their eye and made a mental note of the situation. Happy. It just felt happy.</p>
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